This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
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Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
every single time
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.