If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
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Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Why is no one talking about this?!
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”