mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
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[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
getting old is fun
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?