[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
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[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?