MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
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SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
everyone has that one prude friend
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.