the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
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Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Should I call tech support or pray or what
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
People buying plungers never look happy.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*