I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
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If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I hope Alan is OK
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls