Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
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Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
She: I like Cats
He:
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails