I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
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Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.