I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
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My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird