Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
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Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
never ask a starfish for directions
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!