cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
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Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.