Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
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This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.