I self medicate, therefore you live.
You Might Also Like
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
War & Peace
Probably my best painting.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Ion see the issue
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.