[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
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Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I hate everything
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time