if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
You Might Also Like
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*