Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
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Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Brilliant!
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
A woman drives into a bar.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
#MeanwhileinCanada
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.