I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
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MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
saving face 👀
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.