Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
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“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.