guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
You Might Also Like
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
how to have an accident 101
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”