I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
You Might Also Like
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
i prefer mine room temperature.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate