It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
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[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
it be like that
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor