Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
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[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I identify as an antique shop.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
🛁
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.