I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks