Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
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our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.