Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
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My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich