“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
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Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me too 😆
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.