Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
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Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
<- sleeps well with others