Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
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I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
I am also baked goods
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast