I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
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“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Love this guy
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.