When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
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My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*