Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
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[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start