The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
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the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
January has been Januweary
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it