DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
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Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Google Pay be like:
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
im all 3
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.