How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
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Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.