Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress