“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”