My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
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ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.