lmaaaaaooooooooo
You Might Also Like
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.