If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
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There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.