The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
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*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
A ghost story