*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
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Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
The news in a nutshell.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*