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If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao