4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
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sry
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
every college guy’s fridge
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign