[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
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[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Note to self: always read the final line
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.