What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
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I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody