Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
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My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots