new wife guy just dropped
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Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now