Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
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AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
“How’s your day going?”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music