Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
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Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.